shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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