Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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