You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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