did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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