I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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