end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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