He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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