yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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