I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
