I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Two words: blizzard sex
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
