Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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