Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Even my vagina gasped.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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