Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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