Define "chronic" masturbator.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
