The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
