I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Your dad touched me again.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
