Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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