Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
