I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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