she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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