Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
