My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
