He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
