I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
