Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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