I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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