ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Randomize
