I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
