Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
