I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
