It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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