Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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