Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
