When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
