I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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