his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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