I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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