i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
