I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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