you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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