So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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