You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
