Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
