I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
