I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
