hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
