Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
