My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
