I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
