I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
