dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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