I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
