I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
