pedialite and red bull = repair kit
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
